How weight gain can make you important.

Weight as defined by the dictionary, is “the vertical force exerted by a mass as a result of gravity”. That’s physics. In real life, weight is the physical entity ascribed to potential spouses, which when gained in excess, drastically reduces one’s chances of ever finding a life partner, while also conveying with it increased risks of diabetes, heart disease and a myriad of other devilish phenomena. Hence, on the streets, in the media, on the web and from the mouths of 15 year old daughters, we keep being bombarded with ads, tips and what not on how to lose weight, why to lose it and what kind of husband to demand after the said weight has eventually been lost. I’m in support of those ads and tips, you really should lose that extra 20kg, it’s putting a strain on both your hearts (the blood pump and the love pump alike).

However, there’s the kind of weight of which you should strive to gain as much as possible. Defined by the dictionary as “the relative influence or importance ascribed to a thing (or person)”. First off, back to the physical weight. Naturally, the more weight a person has, the more load (in Kg) that person can move with as little stress as possible. It’s much easier for a man of 75Kg to carry around a keg of water weighing 20Kg than for a boy of 30Kg to do same. Physically, the heavier you are, the easier it is for you to carry heavy stuff, thus you can get more work done (this is not an endorsement for weight gain).

Translating physical weight to influence, heavy weights are analogous to responsibilities, and work done is analogous to achievements. The more you weigh in life, by continually developing your life skills, fine tuning your natural talents, building your discipline, improving your efficiency, proving your dependability e.t.c the more challenges you can take on, the greater respect you command, the more responsibilities can be laid on you (load) and the more likely it is for opportunities to come knocking. These translate to greater achievements and higher levels of success in life (work done). With the aforementioned, you greatly multiply your chances for self actualization, which according to organismic theorist Kurt Goldstein, is the peak of the essence of living as a human being.

In summary, sit tight, buckle up, put some seriously intense work into building yourself (adding weight), for it is the key to true happiness and fulfillment. And yes, take a cue from Eminem.

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